This is Peter....my sister's husband. FUNNY guy! It's his birthday today and he and my sister are off to ski at Hemlock while BFF Nadine and I take care of their girls. I'm happy to add 2 extra to the 4 that I already have for the day. Couple time is really important. And with both of them working full time it doesn't happen often enough. Ron and I went years without taking that time for each other...by the 7th year married we didn't even know each other any more.
It's hard to look at your husband and realize that you don't like him very much anymore...and vice versa...that you have nothing to talk about except the kids and your deep connection disappeared between work, diapers and potty training. Of course we had 3 kids, one of whom had autism, and another on the way. It was the worst 2 years of my life...and of my marriage. Pressure to be the good mom, the super advocate for my special needs son, and renovating a house all that the same. Trying to keep stress free for the sake of the baby inside me I checked out of the marriage....and so did Ron. We were room mates...not lovers....we were strangers...not best friends. We never took time out for each other. He began working in Mexico again so he was gone for weeks at a time. By the time he would come home for 2 weeks I was WIPED! The last thing I wanted to do was use any energy for the big baby beside me..lol...and just wanted to catch up on some sleep. We said things to each other that should never had been said...further building the divide. I can honestly say I despised him...couldn't even look at him...the hateful words thrown at me fresh in my mind always. To the outside world we were doing just fine...but I was in a deep hole of sadness, anger..and yes...even revenge. How dare he take away my successful life before him then threaten to leave me with so many kids and no means of support. I wallowed in this for months!
Then something happened...I listened to a radio talk show and this women had forgiven her husband for cheating and they were stronger than ever. She sounded so happy, calm...even giddy! If she can forgive that maybe I can forgive words. I promised myself to fake it until we make it. I started speaking with kindness instead of bitterness. Sure enough Ron started speaking to ME in that way. We were healing our relationship with our words...and the intimacy soon followed. It took many months and many a long talk about what we needed from each other, what our definitions of success were. What is first? Money or family? He began to realize that a truly successful man is succesful in his relationships first...and the rest with follow. I began to realize that I had taken him for granted while I raised our kids and that I was a wife FIRST...a mother second. As soon as a couple puts themselves first...the rest will follow. The kids are still happy...in fact more so as they see happy parents.
So as we all trot along in our lives let's remember what is most important. OUR RELATIONSHIPS! Forgive and do not take for granted....and remember that words have power to HEAL just as much as they have power to destroy. After 15 years together (13 married) I can honestly say the fight was worth it...back better than ever...best friends and intimate partners in every way. It is what marriage should be (I think anyways)...and I always remember to use my words wisely and thank him for being the marvelous husband and father he is.
And we are 21/22 without retail therapy....though I have two that need shoes..ughghg....May try to make it to VV in Vancouver to see what they have. Stop growing boys! LOL!