Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I know what LOVE is! Grief is just a small part of it.

Picture of my Mom and Dad and Grandma taken 3 years ago. Lost my Mom last year...September 18th, 2010 at 6:30 am..to cancer at the age of 67. Grandma....age 92...my dearest Poi Poi as we called her..passed away yesterday..July 30th. 2011 at 10:45 am. The two most important women in my life are gone! Just like that...like a snap of the fingers. But it wasn't..it was suffering for both and I knew the time was coming...and I grieved for them while they were alive. Death by cancer or death by old age...both are labour...for the ones dying and the ones living..its an excercise in LOVE!

I am sad...I am still grieving for Mom..but I also think..LUCKY ME! To have loved so much as to grieve so much....that's the thing about grief....to FEEL this much sadness you must have LOVED that much! I LOVED! I still DO! I'm ALIVE and AWAKE and PRESENT! And drew on the strength of those two women over and over....and they shared it! They gave me strength in their wisdom and humanity...their laughter..their senses of humour...their giving hearts. One private and one open but both equally influencing the woman I became. Both my most beloved women in their own way..my teachers..that truly LOVED me!

The thing about grief is...you can let it overcome you...you can let it take over....it's so easy to just wallow and be sad and say the hell with it. I sure hope you have something to snap you out of it...kids..close family and friends...anything really....those deep, dark moments are not easy to snap out of....that feeling of hiding...of absolute giving up from the sadness. And it comes and goes...something will trigger it...a sound...a smell....a picture....and that's okay...but if you stay in that place for a long time you will stay in that place....You get what I am saying? To love so deeply is wonderful...to grieve so deeply is torture...but you have to go on! It's what your loved one would want if they truly LOVED you. My Mom and Grandma want we to go on and be the best woman I can be...this I know for SURE!

So with tears and LOVE I say goodbye to my dearest Grandma...and know that in LIFE she showed me how to be a STRONG, LOVING, OPINIONATED woman without regrets. To be true to myself...to KNOW who I am!

And I will have those moments when the covers shadow my head....when I need to curl up into a ball and cry about the loss of her....but know that I will get up and be the person I am...to give in to those moments but not let them dictate my life...and know that Mom and Grandma would be so proud of my strength! My love for my family! My love for them as I march on! That is what a legacy is...marching on!

Biggest LOVE for POI POI Big Momma LOVE to you ALL! XO

I can count on more than both hands the ones I love....because of those two loving women...because of them I get the true sense of loss....I get that they spent time with me because they LOVED me. How lucky am I?

Will miss my Gram...will miss her smile.....her wisdom...her sense of humour. 41 years!  Fantastic!