Thursday, June 30, 2011

I feel like it was my fault

I am writing this post with a heavy heart. Recently a friend posted an article written by a journalist that described her PTSD and her need to re-enact a rape to get over it. It brought back a flood of memories of my dear friend and study partner in accounting school. There were 4 of us that were really close. To protect their privacy I will call them A, B and C. A was the single mother of two and the kindest person you could ever meet. B was a married Mom of 2 with an ambition to succeed like no other person I have ever met. C was my age and single like me and we both had no clue about a lot of stuff but liked to have fun. We all studied hard together, shared notes, complained about instructors....and shared our deepest fears....our desires..our insecurities. We cried and laughed. It was a wonderful 2 years...until the unthinkable happened.

C was slipped a date rape drug and repeatedly raped. She woke up naked in a hotel room and had no idea where she was....who did long. The police never caught the guy or guys but she was injured both physically and mentally.....a shell of her former self. She wouldn't go out...go to school...go anywhere for months. We tried but to no avail...then she showed up on my doorstep one day all giddy and showing me her new tattoo. I thought great! C is coming back and needs to self express with a tattoo. Then came another and another and another. Okay I's a bit much but whatever helps her feel whole again. Then came the men...all ages, shapes..from all walks of life. I thought okay...she is enjoying sex again. "A" was worried and "B" was disapproving but I was the most supportive friend a girl could have. Then came the S&M...for the most part not dangerous and really role play...So I she needs to feel in control then she needs that...I supported her decisions whole heartedly...not understanding it but just going with it...but it got deeper than got to whips that hurt and strangulation during sex. I still didn't say anything negative....I still was supportive and thought she knew what she was doing. At this point "A" just kept hugging tighter and "B" was disgusted.

On June 4th, 1994 I got a call from "C's" Mom...she was found dead in a hotel room from strangulation at the age of 24. Almost 3 years to the day she was raped. The next day I open the paper and there was a huge article on PTSD..Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...The Iraq war in 1991 had led to an increase in PTSD in many soldiers and was an issue at that time. I read it and cried my eyes out! I had encouraged every behaviour that was a sign of PTSD...every single one of them!...sigh...I in my stupidity was thinking I was helping her when all I was doing was feeding her stress...VALIDATING IT! FUCK!  "B" read the same thing and called me up and told me point blank I was responsible for her death....I gave her behaviour "credibility"...I was the scapegoat for her. "A" called me and cried and we went for a walk and hugged and cried some more.

17 years later I still feel responsible some how...of course know what to look for NOW but back then I didn't...I just accepted "C" for all she was..I accepted the things I knew in my heart were not her nature but then again I had not been drugged and raped and left alone to wake up naked with blood all over my body. Who was I to judge? I should have judged! I should have done some research at least....I should have...I could have...I DIDN'T! The biggest most heart wrenching mistake of my ignorance was just that...complete and BLIND ignorance. Could I have changed the course of her life if I knew? I don't know but I would have fought like HELL to do so...instead I gave it "credibility".

I guess my point is if some one you love or even just know is behaving the opposite of what they usually do...they may have a problem....they may need your support to seek therapy or drugs or anything other than what they are doing. I weep as I type this....a kind and thoughtful woman lost herself and I encouraged it....Don't make the same SOMETHING!

This is the first and last time I will talk about it...."A" died of cancer two weeks before my Mom died last September...."B" died of cancer two weeks after Mom died last September....I loved all of them. I'm the last of the "Number Warriors"....Miss their laughter over that...over everything.

Regretful Big Momma love to you all XO

1 comment:

  1. I'm so very sorry Susan. I think talking about it and sharing with people what you didn't know is a good thing as this may in turn help someone else to look at things differently. And you can't blame yourself for being young and not knowing what to look for. I can only imagine the heavy heart though and good for you for sharing her and your story. (((hugs)))